Life after a divorce can be filled with tricky moments and tough decisions. There are financial things to figure out and custody plans to make, and just when things might seem like they are settling down – BAM! Here come the holidays to make things emotionally (and sometimes logistically and financially) challenging.
The holidays are a time of traditions, family togetherness, and trying to make things feel special and magical for the kids. For people who are facing their first holiday season after a divorce, it can feel a little daunting to know how what traditions to try to keep and to figure out how to deal with potentially having less time with their children. But the first post-divorce holiday doesn't have to be a sad occasion, at least according to 15 moms who've been there and shared their strategies for holding on to holiday joy. Read on for their best tips and know that happy days can be ahead.
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Mixed Emotions
"I have had mixed emotions. My ex always hated holidays and would ruin them any chance he got. So the holidays were bittersweet the first year. Now I am happy that I get a holiday that won’t be ruined, but I am still sad that I don't have my kids for part of Christmas. I’m focusing on the fact that I don’t have to buy his ungrateful self anything and the times I will spend with the kids." – Mara J., Michigan
Girl Trip Time
"My ex will get the kids for Christmas and I know it will hurt too much to be home without them there, so I am flying out to spend the holiday with one of my single friends. We’re going to spend the week on the beach and I’m actually looking forward to it! Sometimes doing something totally different helps make it feel less weird that we aren't doing family stuff anymore." – Stacey R., New Jersey
No More Grinch
"I have been doing things I’ve always wanted to but he didn’t like (because he was a Grinch!). I have a bunch of fun activities planned for the weekends I have with the kids, stuff he’d hated to do. This is the part of divorce that is actually fun. I get to decide what fun looks like for us." – Allison N., Minnesota
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New Traditions
"Kids and I have been forging new traditions to make it our own given the new shape of family. It doesn't have to be fancy stuff. One of our fun things is making a list of all the best sledding hills and trying to visit each one of them during the holiday break. It is something that is just ours, and we don't miss having my ex there because it never included him. I think stuff like that is important." – Sarah P., North Dakota
Take Care of Myself
"A lesson I learned the hard way my first Hanukkah after my divorce was to not let my sadness turn into treating my body like crap. I drank way too much wine, skipped all my workouts, and basically ate crap for three weeks. I felt sad and physically yucky after. Now I know I have to take care of myself and be intentional about it since it is easy to wallow this time of year. Drink some water!" – Hannah F., California
Some Togetherness Is Fine
"I ONLY suggest this for people who are in a place where they are getting along OK with their ex! If you can both handle it, deciding to do some things together, for the sake of the kids, can help that transition for the first year. We had VERY young kids so we really wanted them to be able to wake up in their own beds and have both parents there on Christmas morning, so my ex-husband comes over for presents and breakfast and it's actually been pretty nice. I don't think we'll do it forever, but it works for now." –Jessie S., Florida
Plan for Gifts
"My first Christmas after the divorce was a real bummer, present wise. Not only did I not get the usual gifts from my ex's side of the family, I also didn't get anything from the kids (because my ex didn't take them shopping) and so I had no stocking, nothing to open on Christmas morning. I love gifts and this legit made me sob.
"Since then, I've started exchanging gifts and stockings with a group of girlfriends. Some are also divorced, some just have husbands who suck and don't get them anything. This way I have something surprising to open on Christmas morning and I get to shop for friends I love too." – Georgia T., Minnesota
Set Boundaries With Extended Family
"True story: I showed up for Christmas dinner at my mom's house and …there was my ex! The one who cheated on me! And that I wasn't actually speaking to! I realized that I needed to set some boundaries with my own family about my ex and the holidays.
"If they still want to send him gifts or a card, I can't control that, but I'm not spending the day with him or helping pick gifts. We had to have a tough conversation about it but it made the next year a lot less stressful for me." – Name withheld by request
New Location
"This first post-divorce holiday I rented a cabin for Christmas week. I felt like it was going to be hard to celebrate at home because we'd be really aware of my ex not being there. A new location made it feel more like something special, less like a loss." – Andrea W., Iowa
Holiday Hookup
"The holiday loneliness can be real and brutal. The first Christmas after my split I hooked up with an ex from high school who was back in town (very Taylor Swift "Tis the D— Season" coded) on one of the nights I didn't have my daughter. This might not be an option for everyone! Making a plan to have dinner with someone or go out at least once is doable though." – Betsy T., Texas
Try Not To Compare
"It's hard, but try not to compare it to the before times. It will be different. It may be better in some ways and harder in others. Whatever it is, it won't be the same and that's OK. Try to let go and figure out what it looks like now." – Lauren E., Rhode Island
Focus on the Good
"A thing that helped me was making a list of all the things I was glad about: not having to buy his mother a gift, not having to drive for five hours to stay at his brother's house, not having to pretend I like whatever dumb-a– gift he got me at Walgreens at the last minute. It was petty but it helped." – Name withheld by request
Don't Assume
"A big thing I learned was not to assume what my kids were feeling when it came to holiday stuff. I thought they'd be kind of devastated but they were actually fine. When we finally talked about it, they said it was actually a lot less stressful than most years because we weren't bickering and stressed the whole time. Maybe talk to older kids about what they want/need or are worried about. It might be better than you expect." – Jules E., Minnesota
What Not To Do
"I know what NOT to do! Don't drink way too much wine, forget to eat dinner, and then call your ex AT HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND'S HOUSE and cry that you'd made a mistake and should get back together. That was … not a great Christmas Eve." – Name withheld by request
Talk About Gifts
"Here's a more logistical thing: Talk to your ex about who is buying which gifts for the kids (including extended family, if your kids get gifts from them) so that they don't get duplicate gifts or totally overwhelmed by double the number of gifts." – Jennifer L., California
